Do we really mean this?

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,...that she might be holy and without blemish.”

Ephesians 5:25-27

Are We Serious?

I am not a betting man, but if I were, I would bet most of my friends that the pastor who married them and their brides used Ephesians 5:22–27 at some point during the wedding.

We come to expect it to be read, yet do we hold couples in our congregations to it?

This Troubled Me

Recently, I read an opinion article from one of the Arkansas Democrat Gazette's regular writers, who is a divorced Christian woman and high school English teacher. As a former high school history teacher myself, I appreciate the important work she does each week in her local public school. Even though I find myself disagreeing with some of her positions, I often read her column because of the education connection. I also like to read those with whom I disagree from time to time.

Her article in late October troubled me, as she shared her experience of being married to an abusive minister before going through a divorce. She recently shared an email she had received from one of her readers after a recent column.

The man asked if her experience of abuse was common and if other women in the church had reached out each time she shared about the abuse she endured. Although she has left the SBC, she remains a Christian. Before she answered the email, I already knew her answer.

The Toxic War on Masculinity

Last year, I read a very impactful book that I recommend called The Toxic War on Masculinity: How Christianity Reconciles the Sexes by Nancy Pearcey. She is one of the foremost Christian intellectuals and a leader in Christian Apologetics who teaches at Houston Christian University. I highly recommend many of her other books.

In this book, Pearcey uses secular research to show how women are treated by three different groups: Convictional Christian Men, Cultural Christian Men, and Secular Men.

Statistically, Convictional Christian men are the most loving and supportive husbands and fathers. Secular men, however, are shown to treat women better than Cultural Christian Men. This latter group (Cultural Christian Men), unfortunately, picks out things from the Bible to support their control, patriarchy, and, oftentimes, abuse of their families. Pearcey would know, as she grew up with an abusive father who was an elder at their church. This led her to abandon her faith before coming back to faith in Christ and studying under Francis Schaeffer and his famous L’Abri Institute in Switzerland, which focused on teaching the Christian worldview and how the Christian faith can improve society.

She is now married to a Convictional Christian husband and shares how that looks completely different from her upbringing in her book.

God's Design is Good

I challenge you to read her book and see how God’s design for authentic Biblical masculinity heals, restores, leads, supports, defends, loves, and provides for families. It was not like the secular researchers went out to prove God’s design for men works best for human flourishing, but that is exactly what they found.

I do have one caveat: if you are not reading your Bible consistently, do that first!

God’s design is always best in all aspects of life. There is a reason why Christ’s love and sacrifice for the church is so often used in Scripture as an analogy for marriage. Men, we are to love our wives and children sacrificially, honor them, lead them, and provide for them.

If we RALI and teach our sons and daughters to do the same, would we still see and hear of the abuse stories in churches across our country? If we held the men accountable in our small groups, congregations, friend groups, etc., to a higher standard as men, what would our communities look like?

A Life Changing Story 

Years ago, a friend of mine in Texas had an emotional affair with a co-worker. My friend, Dylan, and I went to the hotel room where he was staying. We prayed together before going in to speak with him for God to grant us wisdom and discernment for what to say and the courage to say it. It was a heavy afternoon in which all three of us ended up getting emotional.

But we held him accountable and convinced him to stay and work on his marriage. He came to faith in Christ weeks later, and by the grace of God, he and his wife have been married for nearly 20 years. I have seen him give up his own selfish desires for his wife and children, even his dream career at one point, for the betterment of his family.

Only Christ can make men change like that. May we let the Holy Spirit convict us of our selfishness, and love our wives and kids as Convictional Christian Men, rather than Cultural Christian Men.

John Gore

MD5 Facilitator